Three Verbs Where English Has Two
English gets by with "give" and "receive." Japanese splits "give" in two according to the direction of the gift relative to the speaker, and adds a "receive" verb whose subject is the person on the receiving end. Choosing among あげる, くれる, and もらう is not optional: the wrong verb sounds as odd as saying "I gave a present from her" in English.
| Verb | Subject | Direction |
|---|---|---|
| あげる | the giver | from me (or my side) to someone else; or from one outsider to another |
| くれる | the giver | from someone else to me (or my side) |
| もらう | the receiver | receiving, from anyone |
あげる: Giving Outward
あげる is used when you (or someone on your side) give to someone else, and when you describe giving between two other people.
Two neighbors of あげる are worth knowing. やる is the plain, slightly rough verb for giving to animals, plants, and (in casual masculine speech) children or juniors: 犬に餌をやる (to feed the dog), 花に水をやる (to water the flowers). 差し上げる is the humble equivalent used toward a superior: 先生に手紙を差し上げた (I gave my teacher a letter). Even so, describing your own gift to a superior with a giving verb can sound as if you were doing them a favor, so people often avoid the verb and say お持ちしました or 受け取っていただけますか instead.
くれる: Giving Toward Me
くれる is used when someone else gives to you, or to a person you speak for: your family, your company, your team. The giver is the subject.
- 友達が（私に）チョコレートをくれた。 — A friend gave me chocolate.
- 先生が弟に辞書をくださった。 — The teacher gave my little brother a dictionary.
Because くれる already points at the speaker, 私に is usually left out. In the second sentence the receiver is the speaker's brother, so the giving still comes toward "my side," and the teacher's higher status turns くれる into its respectful form くださる.
もらう: Receiving
もらう takes the receiver as its subject and marks the giver with に or から. から is required when the giver is an organization or a place rather than a person.
- 私は祖母にお年玉をもらった。 — I got New Year's money from my grandmother.
- 会社から記念品をもらいました。 — I received a commemorative gift from the company.
- 先生に推薦状をいただいた。 — I received a letter of recommendation from my teacher.
いただく is the humble form of もらう, and the same verb is used for receiving food and drink — which is where the mealtime いただきます comes from.
Who Counts as "Me"?
The line between あげる and くれる is not really about "I" and "you" but about the speaker's own circle and everyone outside it. Your family, your company, and your close group belong to your side when you speak to outsiders, so a neighbor who gives sweets to your daughter くれる — お隣さんが娘にお菓子をくれた. When both giver and receiver are on your side, use あげる to describe the event from outside (母は弟にお金をあげた), and くれる only when the receiver is you or someone you speak for.
Doing Favors: 〜てあげる, 〜てくれる, 〜てもらう
The same three verbs attach to the te-form of any verb to show that an action was done as a favor, and in which direction.
- 友達の宿題を手伝ってあげた。 — I helped my friend with homework (as a favor).
- 友達が宿題を手伝ってくれた。 — My friend helped me with my homework.
- 友達に宿題を手伝ってもらった。 — I had my friend help me with my homework.
〜てくれる and 〜てもらう carry a note of gratitude, and leaving them out makes a sentence sound flat or even cold: 母が弁当を作った simply reports the fact, while 母が弁当を作ってくれた acknowledges the kindness. The polite counterparts follow the pattern of the plain verbs: 〜てくださる for someone above you doing you a favor (先生が説明してくださいました), and 〜ていただく for receiving one (先生に説明していただいた).
〜てあげる, on the other hand, calls attention to your own kindness. It is fine among friends and family, but toward a superior it sounds patronizing. To offer help to your boss, say お手伝いします or 手伝いましょうか, not 手伝ってあげる.
Asking for a Favor
Requests are built on the same verbs, and each step adds politeness:
- 手伝ってくれる？ / 手伝ってくれない？ — Can you help me? (casual)
- 手伝ってくれませんか / 手伝ってもらえますか — Could you help me? (polite)
- 手伝っていただけませんか — Would you be able to help me? (very polite)
ください is the imperative form of くださる, which is why 〜てください means "please do" and お茶をください means "please give me tea"; its casual cousin ちょうだい (見せてちょうだい, お菓子ちょうだい) is common in family speech.
Common Mistakes
- Using あげる for a gift to yourself. 先生は私に本をあげました is wrong; the gift comes toward you, so it is 先生は私に本をくださいました.
- Making the giver the subject of もらう. The receiver is the subject: 私は友達に花をもらった, never 友達が私に花をもらった.
- Offering 〜てあげる to a superior. Use humble お〜します instead.
- Dropping the favor verb. If someone did something for you, add 〜てくれる or 〜てもらう; without it, the sentence does not express that you benefited.
Tips for Learners
- Think in arrows. Ask where the thing is going: away from me (あげる), toward me (くれる), or into my hands (もらう).
- Learn the polite trio as a set. 差し上げる, くださる, and いただく are the same three arrows one level up.
- Reach for 〜てくれる and 〜てもらう often. Native speakers use them whenever a favor was involved; learners use them far too rarely.
- Mark organizations with から. 会社から, 学校から, 市から — に is for people.
- Read the related entries. The entries for the giving verbs, and for 恩 (a debt of gratitude) and 身内 (one's own circle), give more of the social background.